Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What Apple taglines really mean

I hate to admit that I don't have much to add to the conversation about Apple's new products. They look great. They'll sell like hotcakes. They're not surprising. So instead, I'll just poke a little fun at Apple. Below you'll find what Apple has to say about their amazing new stuff, and my translation of what they actually mean. [Insert evil laughter.]

Apple's tagline for the iPad mini: 
"Every inch an iPad"

What it means:
We want you to think that you're getting a full-sized tablet experience, not a shrunken, compromised tablet experience. You see what we did there? We simultaneously built up the iPad mini while shooting down all other smaller screen, 7-inch tablets, like the Nexus 7 and Kindle Fire HD. We're genius!

What Apple is calling the new fourth-generation iPad: 
"iPad with Retina Display"

What it means:
Hahaha! We killed the third-generation iPad, suckas! And we did it in just seven months.

Apple's tagline for the iPad with Retina Display:
"Just as stunning. Twice as fast."

What it means:
Same banana as the old iPad. Just with a faster processor. Plus other stuff that really isn't that important. Just stuff to make you feel bad. You're now obsolete, no longer cutting edge. You have to buy one of these babies if you want to feel like hot stuff again. Hey, let's make this easy. Just give us the PIN number to your ATM. You know you want one.

What Apple is saying about the Mac Mini: 
"Way more power. Way same size. Now up to twice as fast."

What it means:
It's twice as fast as that old Mac Mini, which was never powerful to begin with, but is still cute as a button. What we're not telling you is that ALL computers become twice as fast every two years – which is about the last time we updated the Mac Mini. Gotcha.

What Apple is saying about the 13-inch MacBook Pro with Retina Display:
"Over 4 million pixels. Under 3.6 pounds. It's impressive by any measure."

What it means:
We cracked out the measuring tape to make this MacBook feel special and to cover up the fact that this update is what the 13-inch MacBook Pro should have been in the first place. It's an impressive machine, but we just weren't sure that this retina display thing would catch on until now. Now that it has caught on, we're cashing in. Ka-ching!

What Apple is saying about the new iMac:
"Performance and design. Taken right to the edge."

What it means:
Yeah, we're skinny, bitches. And we've got power in this machine too. Performance AND design mean we can charge you $1,799 for a desktop that costs $1,000 in the PC world. Skinny counts. You know it does.

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